


My Boyfriend Won't Stop Murdering People

by HidansCrazyLaugh



Category: Naruto
Genre: Fighting, Humor, Jahsin, KakuHida Week 2018, M/M, Minor Violence, Suicidal Thoughts, Talk Shows, talk show au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-20 19:48:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21287204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HidansCrazyLaugh/pseuds/HidansCrazyLaugh
Summary: Kakuzu is fed up with Hidan's constant sacrifices and decides he needs help. Who better to go to than Dr. Phil.
Relationships: Hidan/Kakuzu (Naruto)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 46
Collections: KakuHida Week





	My Boyfriend Won't Stop Murdering People

**Author's Note:**

> Written for KakuHida Week 2018, for Day 8- Free For All. This dumb idea has been in my head for a while, I hope you enjoy, let me know if you did, thanks.
> 
> Originally posted on: 2018-10-09

“You need help, Hidan.” Kakuzu finally said after the fifth sacrifice that month. They couldn’t keep hiding bodies, eventually someone was going to see them and they would be caught. And once that happened, they would face a life prison sentence. Hidan scrubbed the blood from his hands with borax, watching the water turn red then pink. He poured more of the powdery detergent into his hands and rubbed them together, enjoying the gritty sensation as he got the last remnants of blood off his hands.

“I don’t need help, Kakuzu.” Hidan said as he used a nail brush to scrub under his neatly trimmed nails before rinsing.

“You do. I’ve been watching this program in the afternoons about a doctor, he helps mentally ill people like you.”

“I’m not mental!” Hidan shouted, “I’m a devout follower of Lord Jashin, he’s gifted me with immortality and-”

“See? Mental...I can’t live with you like this anymore!” Kakuzu shook his head and turned away as Hidan dried his hands on the old, worn hand towel hanging on the hook beside the sink.

“Wh,what? Kakuzu! Get your ass back here and tell me what the fuck you mean!!” Hidan screamed and chased after Kakuzu, tackling him in the hall and knocking him to the floor.

“I mean-” Kakuzu started as they struggled for a moment, each tried to get the upper hand on the other but Kakuzu soon had Hidan flipped on his back and pinned him down, “-that if you don’t get help, I’m going to leave you.”

“Fuck you!!” Hidan suddenly brought his head up, too fast for Kakuzu to move, and headbutted his boyfriend, both of them shouting in pain. 

* * *

Hidan sat there, in a black button down shirt with a black tie, black slacks, black dress shoes. And of course black socks. Everything was new, Kakuzu insisted on him looking presentable. Getting him to try on anything that wasn’t a t-shirt with a foul slogan on it had been like trying to bathe a cat.

He had even bit Kakuzu as he tied his tie for him that morning and later threatened to kill himself by leaping from the window on the freeway. He did not jump from the car but had managed to lean halfway out before a large semi truck sped by, honking loudly at him. It was truly a battle to get him there, but there he was, and Kakuzu sat across from him, wearing his nice suit that he wore only occasionally.

Hidan wanted to kill Kakuzu, he fantasized about it even then. Biting him during a kiss and licking up all his blood, then making deep cuts all along his arms, his inner thighs, his belly and finally slitting his throat.

A soft moan escaped him and Kakuzu quirked an eyebrow at him but said nothing. Hidan blushed deeply and looked away. He looked away into the audience and saw Deidara and Obito sitting in the front row, smirking at him. Deidara got out his phone and started taking pictures while laughing with Obito and Hidan knew he was putting them online somewhere. He was going to kill them, too. And Sasori. The little freak, he was probably worse than Hidan. He would kill all his friends, they could all go to Jashin together! How else would the be reunited in the afterlife? He had to save their souls!

Eventually everything got started and Dr. Phil came out, wearing a boring, brown, cheap looking suit. The audience clapped. Hidan laughed.

“You want me to take advice from this loser?! He doesn't even dress nice!”

“Shut up, Hidan.” Kakuzu growled.

“Alright, alright, everyone settle down.” The doctor said with a smile, he was used to all this by now, he had seen everything on his show. “Now, you’re Kakuzu, and you’ve brought your boyfriend Hidan onto the show today because he believes he is, and I qoute,” He had to pause as he was trying not to laugh, “immortal and his devotion to his pagan god is getting in the way of the relationship moving forward. Is this correct?” Ok, maybe _now_ he had seen everything. 

“Yes, it’s-”

“_Pagan god?!_ You heathen!!” Hidan hissed, “Jashin is not a pagan god!”

“Please be quiet, Hidan.” Kakuzu sighed.

“You see what I have to put up with, Doctor?”

“Yes, I do. Now, Hidan, tell me, what is your fascination with Jashin?”

“I don’t have a fascination with him, he is my god, he has granted me immortality through my devotion to him. I offer worthy sacrifices to him and renew myself with each offer.”

Silence. Deidara’s eyes slid over to Obito and they exchanged looks, Deidara mouthing, 'Sacrifices?' Obito shrugged, unsure of what it meant and they turned their attention back to the stage. Kakuzu ground his teeth together so hard it was audible to half the audience.

“Sacrifice?” Dr. Phil repeated, “What kind...what kind of sacrifice are you talking about? Money? Giving up sweets or meat or your favorite-”

“A blood sacrifice.” Hidan said, “You see, Lord Jashin requires the souls of non-believers. I help them experience pain, we share it, and then I send their souls, cleansed, to Jashin.”

“You...kill people?”

“Yes. Doctor, my boyfriend won’t stop killing people, it’s really getting in the way of our relationship. He also thinks he is immortal. I hope you can help him.”  
  
Deidara’s mouth fell open and he leaned over to Obito and whispered in his ear, “Did you know about this?”

“No.” Obito whispered back, “That might explain a few things though…”

“Damn, they’re going to jail for sure.” Deidara said, still filming on his phone.  
  
“Please help him, I want my sweet boyfriend back.” Kakuzu said as he gazed sadly over at Hidan.

“I'm still sweet you fuckass!!” 

“Well, I mean...I think you both just admitted to murder on television, it's all on tape. I uh...I’m not sure what to do now.” Dr. Phil backed away and started to motion to someone backstage.

“Murder?! It’s not murder!” Hidan shouted, “I’ll show you murder!” He jumped out of his seat and lunged at the host but Kakuzu was fast and grabbed him.

“Hidan! Don’t!”

“He insulted me!”

“You need help, Hidan! I’m trying to help you! Don’t you want this relationship to work?! I love you!” Kakuzu punched Hidan in the stomach and tackled him to the ground.

“But I need to sacrifice! For Jashin!! You should just convert if you love me so much, you already help with the sacrifices! Jashin will accept, you, Kuzu! And I'll love you even more! It will be so fucking romantic!” Hidan punched Kakuzu in the nose, blood pouring from it immediately and they rolled around on the stage biting and hitting each other.  
  
Security rushed over and tackled the pair, dragging them off stage as Hidan tried to bite them, spit at and shouted curses at them. The police were called and both Hidan and Kakuzu were arrested and taken into custody and Dr. Phil could say, that he had _now_ seen everything and perhaps could end his show now. 

* * *

“Well, we’re in prison now thanks to you trying to fucking ‘help’ me! “ Hidan growled from the top bunk.

“We are in jail for life now because you murdered people and I helped hide the bodies!”

“You just had to take me on some shitty day time talk show! _He wasn't even a real fucking doctor!!_ This is all your fault, Kakuzu!”

“Shut up, Hidan.” Kakuzu turned on his side to face the wall, “We’re going to get this prison under our control, we’re going to run a contraband ring in here and get out early for good behavior. If you listen to me, and do what I say, you’ll be back out and sacrificing that doctor in a few years time.”

Hidan leaned over and grinned down at Kakuzu, “Oh, Kuzu, you’re so smart, I knew I loved you for a reason. Just tell me what the fuck to do.”


End file.
